Our week is over. It felt strange to arrive after Dharmavidya had left hospital, a lot like fixing the barn door after the horse has come home.
By now you wouldn't know he had been unwell. At the start of our week he was calm and present, but with something on his mind (the French health system puts a lot of the onus on the self to decide on healthy action,) and now he is pootling around busying himself as he pleases. He does activities and rests between them as his body and his wisdom dictate, but if you didn't know his circumstances you wouldn't know he is still within a predicament. He seems no more unwell then your average English eccentric, living abroad.
Friday morning, after breakfast, we went for a walk visiting various shrines to various goddesses. I was lucky to hear Susthama and Adam share something of their biographies, and a little of Dharmavidya's. What I learned is how these individuals had been restless in their pasts, never settling in a job or place or with a partner for long, and how religion had offered them a path towards self acceptance, and the setting down of roots. I loved and envied this. I loved it for its honesty and open sharing, I envied that while I am faced with people who were afraid to set down roots, I have always been afraid to move on.
It is hard to be within a spiritual community and not ask questions of your own spirit. I began the week lacking confidence and feeling awkward and doubting I was hiding those feelings well. I thought I was anxious about vegetarianism, dirt, dust, children, COLD, the toilet, when to brush my teeth (yes,) COLD, not bathing everyday and COLD. What I was really hiding was my fear of not coping and a resulting rejection. By now I should know better. On Wednesday, when being thanked for staying at Eleusis, I talked openly about this internal world and learned I was not alone on this planet.
Susthama is as relaxed as one at home. Not in the Watford sense, but in a different sense. I have seen an air about her not seen since the Buddhist House. She misses community life. She would laugh at the next statement, but here at this time, she is at peace.
Selena is Adam obsessed. One of the pleasures of the trip has been the getting to know Adam. Not just what I learned about him today, but simply sharing his company, and witnessing how he utilises his time here. He has spent much time nurturing our daughter and treats Selena's attention as a reward in itself. Even if it means bread making taking twice as long...
Dorian has started squawking. Gone is the gormless baby stare, instead he is engaging directly with me, his eyes staring deep into my very heart.
If Dharmavidya has had extreme good fortune to avoid a life threatening disaster then he has had a double dose of luck with Elja. She is very much the right person in the right place at the right time. To illustrate his good fortune, if things do come in threes he must be about to win a triple rollover Euromillions lottery. If only he gambled.
So I left here with my sense of inadequacy intact, but shared and understood. I should know by now that feelings are accepted entirely here. Much like the sangha in general, at Eleusis is the opportunity to experience the totality of your feelings and have them accepted, "Just as you are".
Replies
Thanks for the new picture of David and Selena Damian. Beautiful too!! You catch beautiful light in your pictures, wonderful.
Thank you for your sharing Damian. with love modgala
Thank you Damian for offering a glimpse into your inner world. I am inspired, touched, encouraged by your truth. Too often Spiritual Life is seen as a demand for perfection instead of a growing acceptance of our insecurities, fragilities, fears. This community above any I know attends to this loving energy, this demonstration of our humanity and it moves me deeply. I am also so relieved to know David is wandering through his life with his body as the lead. Now that is a goal I aspire toward!
Thank you. And thank you to David and Elja who provide this amazing space for others to gather, live, connect in real community. I hope one day to share it myself!
Damian thank you for your lovely story and what a wonderful picture of Selena between the bamboo!!