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At the moment David and Adam are still without the internet. They bought a new modem but unfortunate this is not working either. I think that soon some help from Oasis (Annette and Patrick) will arrive. So for the moment no daily teachings...  

At the moment David and Adam are still without the internet. They bought a new modem but unfortunate this is not working either. I think that soon some help from Oasis (Annette and Patrick) will arrive. So for the moment no daily teachings...  

Everyday it is going a bit better. I stroll around on my crutches. I am staying in the 'Bartholomeus Gasthuis' in Utrecht. This is quite a unique place, in many ways. It was the second place my insurance company offered. It was not hard to decide to go to this place. Almost exactly a year ago I was here for the first time, because I went to a special retreat-weekend, a weekend with... David Brazier... I met David for the first time, here in this 'guesthouse'. In recent years David has been invited by Zentrum Utrecht, a zen center, to give a weekend retreat in this place. This year David canceled his weekend because of his illness, but now I am here to recover from my hip operation, in the building where I met David for the first time...

Young girls

A year ago I was already surprised because of the nice concept of the Bartholomeus Guesthouse. This is a home for elderly people, but also a rehabilitation hotel. Downstairs in the heart of the building there is a public cafe cum restaurant. People from the neighbourhood, in fact anybody, can eat here too. And the people who are living here get their coffee , lunch and dinner served in the restaurant. The employers in the restaurant seems to have a key function in this house. During the day, the restaurant (which has a lovely garden too) is a social place where people can meet each other. In the hotel are lots of activities. Upstairs there are rooms for rent. Once a week there is zen class of Nico Tydemann, I already joined one lesson. The last couple of days I have eaten my dinners with three nice ladies. They are a bit older then me; 83, 84 and 91. One of these ladies is happy that she has finally met a Buddhist in this house. She has been practising Zen meditation for many years by herself. The more I start to know them, the more I discover the young girls in their older bodies. The whole guesthouse seems a vivid and busy company with a very kind and bright atmosphere.

Return

And I am glad I am making some progress. My energy is rising. Today my stitches were removed, and... I went up the stairs with my crutches. This is a big improvement. I can lift my leg again and the fact that I can walk stairs (very carefully) means that I can return to the monastery soon. Today I made the appointment to return on Saturday. And... the big news is; I hope to return to Eleusis on 23 June!!! I am looking forward so much to my return! It fills me with happiness that I know when I will return. I muse a lot about the day I step out of the car and put my feet back on the ground of Eleusis (probably still with support of my crutches) and of course finally feeling David's arms around me again... Still 16 days to count.

A couple of days ago I found some traces of the history of the monastery I am currently staying in, and it is quite interesting! This monastery is build for the order of the Redemptorists.

Some history

The founder of the order is saint Alfonso, M. de Loguori, who lived in Naples (1696 – 1732) In this time people experienced God as a God of power, a God before whom one felt anxious. With this dark image of God a lot of poor people struggled, especially the people who where living on the countryside. The poor felt themselves victims of God, of the church and of the aristocracy. The talented intellectual Alphonsus felt compassion for the harrowing poverty amongst the people, in a spiritual and material way. That's why he founded the order for Redemptorists. He preached redemption for all people thanks to the love of God.

Marije who is now living in the monastery gave me a little book with the history of the monastery and I started reading:

Redemptorist Postulants

In the beginning of 1900 the order of the Redemptorists found established itself in this monastery in Den Bosch, a male community of monks and priests. Very soon the monastery building needed to expand for their noviciate. Before new people could come into the order they had to pass a probation time from a year or two as a postulant. During this time the postulant became prepared for life in a monastery. They had to wear a black robe and they lived completely separated from the outside world and the other priests and monks.

Taking refuge in the Sangha

In the current monastery only women are living in the part of the building that once was the noviciate. So I am a guest in the building that once was the quarters of male postulants. I find it quite special because I have the feeling that I am having my first experience as a (Buddhist) postulant here in this monastery. I shaved off my hair as a sign of my commitment to this new life, and without having a steady home in Holland I found shelter in this nice community. In a certain way I quite literally took refuge in the Sangha. Thanks to Ines, who is living here and who is also a member of my Sanga in Den Bosch, I have found a temporary home for a couple of months.

Reciting old hymns

I read more details about the life of the postulants of the order of Redemptorists. The postulants had no personal possessions. After their noviciate they ended this period with vows and entered the order to start their education to become a priest. There were two types of priest. One type of priest where mobile. They travelled around the world on missions. And the other kind of priest were connected to one place, a church or a monastery. This seems quite similar to the life of priest in the Amida Order.

Between the lines in the history book you can read that the life of the postulants was not that easy. Daily life had a very strict regime. Every minute seems to be regulated for the men. Marije told me that a couple of years ago there was an anniversary of the 25 years existence of the current community. They invited some of the old novices who once lived here. They were now in their 80 s and 90s. They told stories about the time they have lived here. And some of them came here with mixed feelings, maybe even some anxiousness.

Marije has been quite touched by meeting these old novices and she told me that one moment they started to recite old hymns together, which was beautiful.

Traces of the Chapel

It is quite interesting that this place once was a male monastery and now it is a place for women only. The energy is completely changed. I asked Marije if I can see the chapel but the chapel has now almost completely disappeared because they have built apartments in it. But Marije took me to the part of the building that once was the chapel and there I found some traces of the old building.... Two beautiful leaded windows! The only ones left in the building: one with an image of Maria Magdalene (her name is written in the window) and another window with sunflowers and the word 'Obidienzia' - I think it is Italian for Obedience...

Eat your asparagus decently

Maria Magdalena is one of the remains of this old male monastery. I wonder what Maria Magdalena meant for the men living here in this monastery and then this window besides her 'obedience'... Nowadays this is not a very popular word. And then I think about a story that is written in the history book Marije gave me. One of the old novices is telling that they had 'politeness lessons' in the monastery. One of the things he had learned was to eat asparagus in a decent way... quite a funny story. You can eat them decent... but no one can see what is going on in a man's mind while he is eating them.

What about obedience?

The window 'obienzia is puzzling me. It is quite a strong word 'obedience'. Obedience to whom? Yes... of course God. I wonder what obedience mean in Buddhism. Gautama Buddha was someone who said I am not a teacher, don't worship me, you have to follow your own Dharma path. I have the feeling that 'obedience' has a certain significance on every spiritual path, in every spiritual training. It is not a word we like. Because with the word obedience we think of authority, give up your free will, maybe we even think of punishment.

But I find it quite interesting to explore the word 'to obey'. What is the authentic meaning of this word? The Dutch word for to obey is 'gehoorzamen'. The literally meaning of this word is 'to hear – together'. When I search for 'to obey' in the English etymology dictionary I find:

late 13c., from Old French obeir "obey, be obedient, do one's duty" (12c.), from Latin obedire, oboedire "obey, be subject, serve; pay attention to, give ear," literally "listen to," from ob "to" (see ob-) + audire "listen, hear

Both meanings are quite nice and friendly: The source of the meaning from this word is 'to hear' and 'to listen'.

Not on my Curriculum Vitae

To be obedient is not a word I would immediately choose to put on my Curriculum Vitae as a quality I have and to be proud of. But while I am exploring this word I feel attracted to it. Beyond my first resistance I recognise the modest attitude that is necessary to be obedient, to hear and to listen. What is needed to be heard and listened to? An inner voice? The voice of the heart? A calling? The Dharma teachings? The voice of life? Listen to the vows? Precepts?

I think to be obedient is a quality of receiving, a 'yin' quality. Instead of taking action, doing, reaching for goals in life, putting one's own desires central in life... instead of leading by one's strong will, trying to listen to what life is asking from you.

Temper my ego

Obedience asks me to temper my ego and everything I think I know about the world around me. The rituals in zen practice, the prostrations in the Pureland services, they all help me to exercise a more obedient attitude, to learn, to listen again, to hear the sacred again. To be less occupied with the self and be open and willing to serve what the moment is asking.

I suppose the spirit of obedience in the monastery of the past must have been quite tough. It seems they were still living with an image of a God they were afraid of. Not a kind of atmosphere I am longing for.

The window of Maria Magdalena seems to tell that a more female spirit has taken over in this monastery. According to the Gospel of Maria Magdalena she was the favourite disciple of Jesus - a spiritual Gnostic gospel completely different from the gospels in the bible. She is not the woman I immediately bring in mind when I talk about obedience.

I think her spirit has truly survived in this monastery. Most of the women who are living here, have quite a spiritual interest and they organise all kinds of workshops. The atmosphere is creative, and spiritual in very liberated way.

This new community life here all started in the 80s when a group of people squatted in this building, but that is another story and not one about obedience...

I still wonder what Gautama Buddha would have said about obedience, what Buddhism is saying about obedience. Maybe a good question, for 'Questions in the Sand?'

Dilemmas

Dogen Zenji is, perhaps, the most important figure in Zen in the history of Japan. I am working on a translation of Dogen's seminal text Genjo Koan. It is about enlightenment. It is written to a layperson. Later on Dogen writes other things that strongly suggest that it is virtually impossible for a lay person to be enlightened. Did Dogen change his mind? If so, why?

Dogen is known for being a dedicated advocate of zazen. It has the highest value in his system and is presented as equivalent to enlightenment, yet in Genjo Koan, which is about enlightenment, he does not mention it? Why?

If you take Genjo Koan in isolation, if you knew nothing else about Dogen's writings, you would probably never guess that he regarded zazen as being so important. You would rather, I think, tend to think that what he is talking about could arise in a variety of ways.

My own experience of spiritual practice would go along those lines. I have learnt important things from meditation, but also from other aspects of practice, from my relationships with different teachers, from adventitious circumstances of life, from devotion, chanting and prayer, from writing, and even from reading Dogen. Many of Dogen's own writings also suggest such diverse learning. Dogen, however, makes a distinction between the kind of learning that is cumulative and the awakening that is satori. My own spiritual awakenings have certainly had some kind of contemplation as one important element, but that has not been the only trigger.

More Dilemmas

We can ask, why did Dogen write, given that he wrote a great deal. Some of the writings were initially delivered as spoken sermons. One can say that their purpose was to encourage people to do zazen, but such encouragement did not require such sophisticated prose, such wide ranging rehearsal of doctrines and stories, such poetry. Much of Dogen's writing revolves around koan cases - Zen stories of encounters between monks or between teacher and disciple, in which one at least generally arrives at some kind of enlightenment experience. It is therefore clear enough that Dogen also thought that enlightenment came via interaction and dialogue.

Zazen

Sometimes Dogen writes about zazen as sitting in a specific posture and managing the mind in a particular way. Sometimes he writes as though almost any activity can be zazen.

Dogen's text that most centrally focusses on zazen is called Fukanzazengi - Instructions for Zazen. Early in this text he reminds us of Shakyamuni training for six years and Bodhidharma for nine. This implies that enlightenment comes as a result after a period of time. However, later in the text, he says that training is enlightenment. These claims cannot both stand.

In any case, Shakyamuni, at least, clearly was not enlightened when he was "training" and what he was doing at that time was not zazen, and Bodhidharma we are led to believe was already enlightened before he started his legendary nine years facing a wall.

His Dilemmas

Were Dogen's writings as much a way of putting down his own dilemmas as of instructing others? Is what we are to learn here the way that a spiritual life, such as he exemplifies, is a continual series of dilemmas? Is he obliged to be consistent? Perhaps contradicting himself within the same essay is enlightened behaviour. Perhaps he was not sure about some of the answers. He probably wanted to think that lay people could be enlightened, but found in practice that they just gave him a lot of trouble. He probably wanted people to do zazen but realised that for many it was impractical. He probably wanted his message to be popular, but found that it wasn't.

He certainly did not have an easy time. His parents died when he was young. He became a monk. He went to the big Tendai monastery Enraku-ji at Hiei and then to the Rinzai Kennin-ji temple. When the abbot, Myozen, went to China Dogen went with him. However, on their arrival the Chinese did not accept that Dogen was a proper monk and treated him as a layperson, or at best as a bottom grade junior. Then Myozen died. When Dogen got back to Japan he probably expected his new understanding to be greeted with acclaim, but largely it met with rejection. After ten years of trying to run his own monastery near to the capital he was forced to leave and move to a remote area. The school he founded was always teetering on the brink of being made illegal. He had to try hard to find persons of influence to speak up for him.  He had some successes, but it was a difficult progression and he must have been near to despair on occasion.

Our Dilemma

So the moral of today's teaching is that the spiritual life is not easy or straight-forward, that it involves many struggles and often a good deal of lack of clarity. Our spiritual heroes are not people who sailed along from one great experience to another. Honen Shonin also went to Enraku-ji as an orphan, left, struggled, got exiled, and had many conflicts.

Our image of the spiritual life in modern times has been somewhat built upon the idea that it provides 'happiness' and freedom from trouble. We asset strip it for techniques to use for 'personal growth' but often miss the meaning of the body of practice that we have taken them from. We do not have a feel for 'enlightenment' we just want more immediate benefits for body and mind - exactly the things that Dogen learnt to let go of in China.

My teacher Kennett Roshi said, on more than one occasion, that if enlightenment was just about happiness then a dog asleep in the sun would be the ideal. There is more to it.

Saturday 21^st May

The dewdrop bejewels the grass in the dazzling early morning sunshine, bringing forth the promise of a sunny day ahead.

Yesterday we were again at Oasis for the weekly service. In his dharma talk Dharmavidya gave a new perspective on the classic teaching of sila, samadhi, prajna sometimes referred to as the “three higher trainings of Mahayana” and traditionally regarded as being a sequential teaching, a teaching that can be mapped onto marga or the Noble Eightfold Path. In this way of thinking behavioural discipline (sila) creates conditions for mental training (samadhi) that leads to cognitive acuity (prajna). There is acknowledgement however in later interpretations such as those associated with the Yogacara that the three do interrelate and are cultivated together (see Lusthaus, D 2002).

Dharmavidya talked about how sila (the moral rules, as enshrined for example in the pratimoksha) and Samadhi (the practice of meditation and training of the mind) can both be seen within the scope of worldly cultivation and achievement. In this way the development of both as practices never ends – in other words we can always do better, improve morally and ethically, and become finer meditators. The trap with both of these practices is that we get caught up in what essentially is a “self-improvement project” – albeit in this case a project with some admirable outcomes. However this is quite different to prajna (most often translated as wisdom), Dharmavidya explains. Whilst the former two practices are gradually cultivated prajna is a sudden cutting through to the truth, a penetrating wisdom when one is empty of self and by virtue of the Other Power of the Buddha. This is not a wisdom that can be cultivated but rather happens at the point at which we realise the futility of cultivating such practices. It is of a wholly other nature.

The story of Takuan and Basso is relevant here. In the story Takuan encounters Basso sitting in meditation. He has been sitting for many hours. Takuan says to Basso: “why are you sitting meditating?” Basso says “I am meditating so as to become a Buddha.” At this Takuan takes up a tile and a stone and starts rubbing the former with the latter. Basso distracted by this says, “master why are you rubbing that tile with a stone?” Takuan says: ”so as to make it into a mirror.” Basso responds “you can’t make a mirror from a tile by rubbing it with a stone!” Takuan says: “and yet you think you can become a Buddha by meditating?” Basso has the insight of prajna. You could say for Basso the tile becomes a mirror in which he sees reflected his true nature or the true nature of things: rupa (self) becomes dharma (empty of self). We are all mirrors in this way. I very much like the symbolism of the mirror in the way it is used here. The other day Adam pointed out that quantum mechanics demonstrates how the reflection in a mirror is a pale or dimmed visual image of the object reflected. Materially that seems convincing theory. However in the way the mirror is being referred to in this context we might accept that what is reflected back is indeed an altered image and if we only see 'the self' reflected (mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?) then what we have is merely a view of our delusion, the self rupa we could say. On the other hand if we shift the mirror slightly towards the sun when looking into it, sometimes to the extent that we are blinded by the light, but certainly to the extent that the sharper image of ourselves is momentarily lost then there is prajna. Ergo, we see the reflection of our ordinary nature shattered by the brightness of the Tathagata’s light and its brightness can shoot off in a thousand different directions. This is what I think Dharmavidya meant by us all being mirrors. Although we might just as well say we are all tiles!

Another image is that of ordinary beings being cracked pots. I like the association to ‘crack pot’, meaning a person who is slightly unhinged or even crazy, but also in the way it is used to refer to ideas, as in ‘that’s a crack pot idea’. I like it because it also refers to doing something that runs counter to the ordinary, challenges the status quo (and of course risks ridicule) but also may well be inspirational and introduce a new wisdom into the world. In the Zen Buddhist canon many of the masters from the past say and do things that make them appear as crack pots. And yet what they say and do often turns out to be - for the person they are encountering - the very thing that cuts through delusion to bring about the sudden penetrating wisdom of prajna.

This morning at breakfast we talked about how history has shown certain figures from the last century to be pivotal in the development of human understanding. We also wondered together who might be the thinkers from our own age who will prove influential in the same way in generations to come. In this context we could say that Freud, Jung, Trungpa, Rogers, Bowlby, Klein were all most certainly crack pots.

As Pure Land Buddhists we may well change the nature of the narrative but the conclusion is much the same. We are all crack(ed) pots and it is only through having cracks that the light can get in to illuminate the empty darkness inside. The illuminating light is Amitabha and the 'lit up inside' Sukhavati. The dewdrops atop each blade of grass have disappeared. New ones will reappear and again glisten in the sunshine in days to come.

Yesterday during breakfast I had a bit of a difficult conversation with Els about religion. In her younger years she had a strong belief in God, but along the way she lost it. One of her questions is “How is it possible that there is a God when there is so much suffering in the world?” All these questions are rising within her, because she wants to come to the autumn retreat at Eleusis. I know why she wants to come. She is carrying around her koan every day and struggling with it. She is searching for answers on her koan.

Not a Dharma Teacher

Life hit her with a stroke nine years ago. The right side of her body is partly paralysed. She can walk with a stick and she is limited in her way of speaking, so that she is only saying the essential, which is quite a wonderful way of speaking. She has a very good sense of humour.

With her strength and fighter's mentality, strong will and adventurous spirit, she has build quite a new life for her self. She is surrounded by loving friends and family.

I can see that people love Els because of her courages and positive attitude and her friends and family responded very warmly and supportingly about her plans to go to Eleusis for three months.They are also making jokes, because they know Els as someone who has a resistance to a spiritual life. On Els' sharp questions I had no answers this morning. I felt answer inside myself, but I was not capable of putting them into words. One moment I said to Els “I am not a Dharma teacher, I don't know how to answers these questions.”

Nico Tydeman and Nembutsu

Later I thought about a chapter in a book of Nico Tydeman (well know Zen teacher in Holland). I read it a couple of days ago. In his book 'Vormen van oneindige leegte' (Forms of Endless Emptiness) he writes about his travels through Japan and describes several Buddhist schools in history. In this book he has written a wonderful chapter about Pureland Buddhism, Nembutsu and the life of Shinran.

I drank in this chapter voraciously. It was wonderful for me to read something about Pureland Buddhism in my own language, Dutch, and I felt also quite moved by the whole chapter. It is a bit difficult to catch in words what moved me so much. Nico Tydeman paints the life of Shinran in such a way that between the lines one can recognise some of the personal koans of Shinran during his way on the Dharma path. He writes about the love he had for his teacher Honen. Nico Tydeman has also written a beautiful piece about one of the essential principles of Pureland Buddhism, about other-power. I would like to share something I have read:

He is writing about the faith in Amida:

“To believe in Amida is not the result of logical reason or intellectual thinking. Belief and faith are incomprehensible and do not lean on anything. To not understand is to understand, according to Shinran. To believe is not a matter of self-power, but will be awakened by the other-power of Amida.”.... “To say the name of Amida is not a personal, physical deed, … The Nembutsu is an expression of gratitude for Amdia's other, redeeming power and is asking for a specific consciousness...”

The one who is going deeply into one's self-consciousness and goes further than one can go all by oneself, denying oneself completely and no longer trusting in oneself, then one will find on the bottomless bottom of one's consciousness the concept of Buddha. By pronouncing the name of Buddha, I design Buddha, Shinran says. A Buddha manifests effortlessly. Amida Buddha's other-power works spontaneously. She is the most authentic, direct and natural power in existence.”

Bottomless Bottom

I am struck by the notion of the bottomless bottom, the place you don't know anything any more, is the place to meet Amida, Buddha, God, whatever you like to call the Sacred.

This in it self is a liberating concept for me. When you feel completely helpless and powerless and recognise that you are indeed powerless, you can't do it by yourself and you don't have to. There is a possibility to have faith in something els in an other-than-self, in other power. Instead of fighting and struggling, to surrender to life and what is going to happen and there is the possibility of unexpected care and grace from life itself - the Sacred.

Labyrinth

In the evening I was invited to join another sacred activity: to walk a labyrinth. Behind the monastery there is beautiful park with old chestnuts trees. Four times a year the women of the monastery walk a labyrinth they have made in this park. The path of the labyrinth is a symbol for the path of life or the way of transformation. There is the route inward to your inner world and the way out to the outside world. Along the path you can experience all kind of things. Els was also invited, but at first she didn't want to go. Five minutes before we left to the park, she changed her mind and joined us.

The Four Elements

The location of the labyrinth is beautifully chosen and surrounded by the old chestnut trees.

This evening 13 people wanted to walk the labyrinth. Eleven women, a man and a boy. I guess that the little boy was about 4 years old; the little fireman. I call him like this because the first time I met him in the garden of the monastery he was carrying his teddybear and wearing a fire helmet.

All of us where standing around the labyrinth, some of us were sitting on chairs. Four of us were representing the four elements; fire, water, earth and air. One woman was carrying an oil lamp for fire, one was carrying a small bowl with water, a man was carrying a stone for earth and another women was holding incense for air.

At first the elements where invited into the labyrinth. Fire entered the labyrinth; fire the element for passion, warmth, desire, a strong will. Fire, that can destroy or warm you heart. The second element water entered the labyrinth. Water the element for emotions, water that can flow everywhere, can give freshness, sparkle, or overwhelm you with great strength. Then earth entered the labyrinth; the element for firm ground beneath your feet, earth who is carrying you, you can touch it, and and she is giving security, earth solid as a rock. Lastly, the element air entered. The element of breathing, lightness, humour, the quickness of thoughts, the connecter, air is everywhere and air is elusive.

Priestess

Before each element entered the labyrinth they introduced the elements with some words. The woman who was representing the element air was Miriam, and she was standing at the entrance of the labyrinth. I had seen here before in the monastery but she looked quite different this evening. She was wearing a long black coat and holding a meditation bell. She spoke only a few words and then she opened her mouth and only sung a kind of “Ohm” in different tones, very beautifully. She looked strong, quite impressive with a certain soft lightness in her face. I saw a priestess standing at the entrance of the labyrinth.

Fire and Water

While fire was entering the labyrinth I saw that Els responded in a quite emotional way. After the elements everybody was invited to walk the labyrinth in their own time and own tempo. The people who had brought in the elements where standing around the labyrinth again. From now on Miriam guided everybody into the labyrinth with the sound of the mediation bell.

Els was the second one who stood up to walk to the entrance of the labyrinth. She had a decisive expression on her face. Fire brought her to the portal of the labyrinth. Somehow Els was really entering the labyrinth. I saw her from outside stepping in. After her first step into the labyrinth she was standing still for a while before she walked further. The expression on her face changed. Slowly she started to walk and immediately she started to cry. She kept on walking but the element water overwhelmed her fire, till she cried out loudly and she almost tumbled on the ground. Miriam caught her and held her. I walked to them and held Els too and cried with her for a moment. Miriam asked Els if she wanted to walk the labyrinth with me.

This time we entered the labyrinth together. The path was small, I walked in front, Els right behind me while we walked hand in hand. In the meanwhile more people where walking this path. Including the little fireman. The little fireman took his path seriously, playfully and in complete silence, he took it over and over again. Sometimes he was very patiently walking behind other walkers in the labyrinth, sometimes he had to much energy and passed others to be in the inner heart of the labyrinth quicker. When Els and I arrived in the heart of the labyrinth the little fireman soon arrived too. We stood there for a while with the little fireman between us. He was at ease waiting and standing with us. Then we returned to our way out of the Labyrinth. This time Els walked alone in front of me, her face covered with black marks of make-up tears. At the end of the labyrinth, before I went out I looked at Miriam, the beautiful priestess for a while, I thanked her with a gasho.

Meeting Buddha

When Els and I walked back to the monastery she said:

“It was so beautiful. I felt so connected with everyone.”

I thought about our discussion from this morning and said:

“I think this is the essence of religion. To meet the other, to feel connected with the other is to meet God, Buddha, or however you will call it. This is the way to experience God.”

(With thanks to Els who gave permission to write this story)

There is a nice little report here worth reflecting on

http://www.bbc.com/travel/story/20160509-the-truth-about-icelandic-happiness

Charlene interviewed me for her network. You can listen to the interview here.

Apparently, the USA dropped 23,144 bombs in Middle Eastern countries in 2015 - not an exceptional number, even - what is the karma of this?

http://www.jeanneripley.wordpress.com

When we know, we speak less and walk into the

glowing, green space of love, the glimmering

reality of this moment. No fear. We are always

directed and safe as long as we are awake. In the here

we feel every breath, hear the intent in every word.

Let's forego analyzing for being, for giving back

without measuring and judging. Let's give our most

precious gift- our Self, from a true and full awareness

that we are the same. No holding back.

Yes, it is okay to be free.

To love is to hold a space to be heard, to value

the fullness of who you are, to speak with

unpracticed responses because the author is known.

Your voice arises from a surrender to grace. The more

we give in to natural flow, the more we have to give to.

I've sent this hymn to a person who has been fairly central in the recent storms in my life. It's something of an ending, I hope:

Foolish Beings

I do not blame you for being you;

I do not blame me for being me;

To Amida, we are both foolish beings,

But we can entrust ourselves to Him

And let him transform

Our foolish, vulnerable selves into Gold.

You carefully appreciate what you can in me;

I carefully appreciate what I can in you.

Who knows what the future holds.

All we can do

Is entrust to Amida's Limitless Compassion-

Namo Amida Bu.

(Of course, I explained who Amida is!)

Mischief

Today I had some pre operation research appointments. I was in hospital from 12.30 till 15.30. Everything went smoothly and with care

My first appointment was with physiotherapy. We where in a small group and we were taught how to walk with crutches. I felt very young among all the others. The average age for a hip protheses is much higher then mine.

So we practised walking, with two extra artificial legs, in a kind of gym hall. I became a bit mischievous while we are practising. I said 'lets do a contest'. And I smiled at the man besides me, but I did not speed, but from behind suddenly one of the other man passed us with quite a speed and a big smile on his face.

Shoes and Socks

The good news is that the physiotherapist told me that I really don't need a rehabilitation hotel to recover. I will be operated with a new method and I am allowed to stand on my leg immediately after the operation. I am even allowed to put on my shoes and socks myself, which is not allowed with the classic-method. The wound will give pain and needs six weeks to heal, but I will not need my crutches for a long time.

Magic bugs

After the physiotherapy they sent me to a second department for more screening tests, then a third department to talk about anaesthetics and, finally, a fourth appointment for taking some blood.

And I heard some strange news in hospital today. They tested me again for the MRSA bacteria and it came out negative... the bugs are gone, disappeared... vanished....

Well... how odd! I suspect some language problems here, maybe. Well it is so not very surprising. A Dutch woman who asked in France for a blood test (that the French usually do not do) for a hospital in Germany... maybe this is asking for confusion.

Thank you

Never mind. If everything goes smoothly I will be operated on the 23rd May and can return to the monastery after three days. A physiotherapist will visit me at home... home... my temporary home... this nice guesthouse in the monastery with four wonderful women.

So yes, thank you strange bugs for bringing me to Den Bosch. It is a good place to recover.

Namo Amida Bu

Here is the hymn I wrote which helped me resign from a job which I have been struggling with for many years:

Two Trees

A culture of bullying is like a tree:

If bullying is in the trunk,

It spreads through every branch and twig,

Until we all become bullies or colluders.

Amitabha reaches out to rescue me;

I stretch out my arm, and take His hand.

He is the trunk of a different tree.

How I long to join Him, among the branches.

The BBC site has the following (my emphasis)

In the evening the Queen will be accompanied by Prince Philip, the Prince of Wales and Duchess of Cornwall, as she lights the first of more than 900 beacons across the UK and the world to mark her birthday.

Members of the Army cadet force will take beacons to the top of the highest peaks of England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland.

Some of the beacons will be specially-built gas-fuelled structures, while others will be traditional bonfires or braziers on top of tall wooden posts.

Queen Elizabeth II has reigned longer than any previous British or English monarch. Watching her coronation was the first time that I ever saw a TV set. We watched it at the house of my grand-parents. The screen was tiny and the picture black and white. Since then she has visited more than a hundred countries and travelled more than a million miles. I hope her legs are in better shape than mine.

Here at La Ville au Roi recently we have been a group of three or four all of whom are amitaryas in the Amida sangha or people interested in pursuing this possibility. This raises the question whether we can, in fact, develop a training programme here as one of the dimensions of what we do, so that the sense of this being a place where one can pursue and develop a vocation in the bodhisattva spirit could become a recognised element of the life here. In practice, this is already the case, but it is, as it were, in the shadow. I would not envisage this place becoming exclusive in any way, but we have the potential here to develop in a number of directions and this can be one.

The basic idea of the amitarya is a person who is dedicated to the bodhisattva ideal and who is free to live the life, being willing to travel and take on whatever role is required and, when not travelling to live in community with other amitaryas whenever possible. This is our "modern" version of the kind of life that Shakyamuni Budda recommended to his closest disciples.

Of course, this is not something that one can plan and then implement in a positivist kind of way. It depends upon who shows up and with what motivation.  We can, however, be willing and make it apparent that a possibility exists. I've no doubt that we shall have a good deal more discussion of all this over coming months.

In recent years there have been a number of changes in the Amida community and at one stage we were not in a position to offer amitarya training even if people had wanted it. Now that situation is changing again and new possibilities are taking shape.

I came back from my retreat at Amida Mandala in Malvern, knowing that I would have to face my problems at work which are a mirror and continuation of problems I have faced since age five (and probably had karmic forbears as well). I am writing hymns which reflect this but I try to use the Nembutsu to turn the feelings around and come up with new responses, rather than old, counterproductive ones. Here's a hymn:

Say No

I have been here before.                                                                          

She used her magic on me.                                                                    

I was her talisman,                                                                                  

To terrify others into obedience.                                                            

Magic is devious manipulation,                                                              

In another word, bullying.

I know,                                                                                                      

That because I didn't stand up to her bullying,                                      

She activated the bully-within,                                                                

Which ever since has given me no peace.

Now I find myself there again,                                                                  

And know that this time I must stand up to her,                                    

Or she will make the bully within me                                                      

Strike me as it has never struck before,                                                  

But I cannot wash the mud                                                                      

From a thousand, terrified eyes-                                                            

I couldn't do it, aged five,                                                                        

And I still can't do it now,                                                                        

In a country of endemic bullying-

So, I know, I must stand up,                                                                    

Say no,                                                                                                    

And go,                                                                                                    

And entrust myself to Limitless Compassion-                                          

Namo Amida Bu.

Reading the news these days one cannot be unaware of the American election. On the one hand it is quite entertaining with several larger than life characters. On the other hand, I have a sense that something of a tragedy is also unfolding as neither of the two political parties seems that happy in itself. This is especially true of the Republicans who seem to be tearing themselves apart. Beyond all the rhetoric and histrionics, one tries to discern deeper trends. Is it really America itself that is coming apart? The demographic trends suggest that parts of the USA will become predominantly Spanish speaking before the end of this century. Whether building a wall along the Mexican border will change this prospect or not, it has to be a significant factor in looking at the future of the world's number one military power. Then there is the fact that American democracy looks less and less democratic as so much manipulating and fixing goes on. Then there is the question of debt. Debt is one of the big factors in international politics these days - look at Greece, look at Japan. To eliminate its dept the American government would have to sell everything it owns and all the public property of the nation and still find some more cash from somewhere. In the meantime it goes on spending more than its income. In this sense, America is a mortgaged nation in a state of negative equity. Not a happy position. Will America retrench into protectionism, leading to negative trade wars all over the world? What will that do to Euro-American relations? Is NATO now redundant - or even just too expensive? Will there then be a knock on effect on Russo-European relations? We could well be edging toward a set of changes as portentous as those that happened when the Iron Curtain fell. Whether one likes their proposed solutions or not, it does appear that Mr Trump and Mr Sanders are both making noise about important issues that nobody else really wants to look at but which do have implications for all of us.

And before all that, the UK is going to have a referendum on whether or not to stay in the EU. This could turn out to be something of a non-event if it results in more than 55% of the population voting to stay in Europe. This, however, looks increasingly unlikely and a much closer result could have all sorts of knock on effects depending not only on the vote but its distribution, especially if, as does seem likely, Scotland votes differently from England. There are scenarios here capable of breaking up the United Kingdom, changing the UK-Europe relationship, and changing the UK-USA relationship. We live in interesting times.

Although news from the Middle East is fairly unremittingly awful, the increasing likelihood that there may be changes in relations between the most powerful countries in the world is likely to be even more consequential in the long run than whether President Assad does or does not stay in power, whether IS continues, transmutes or disappears, or whether the Israelis and Palestinians ever do come to some kind of accord or not.

My Visit at Eleusis.

Day 1 20^th March

While travelling Australia in 2011 I read a book that moved me deeply.

This book was called “Who loves well dies well”

Having just lost my own mother I had great admiration for David for making his mothers death so wonderful, I felt i wanted to know more about this man.(Dharmavidya).

I researched online and found the site Eleusis . I knew i wanted to stay here.

5 years later the time finally feels right .

I was greeted warmly by Adam, telling me I could have his room,then Elja and Dhamavidya.

First a walk in the woods to meet the goddesses.

A tour of house and gardens and a look at my room.

Thank you Adam for letting me have your room you are a star..

Im calling it mine already.

I did offer Adam a mattress on the floor of “ my room “

Ermm, thanks Josephine but no thanks,” not the best look for someone on a celibacy program” Ha ha and that’s how life in Eleusis pans out.

Fun about serious things.

Hey its normal life with normal people. I didn’t know what I was expecting but certainly got the most wonderful surprise,

David and I strim the grass, then time for one of  Elja’s delicious meals.

Tomorrow we will have morning service, we are four.

Day 2  March

First time practice for me in shrine room.

Lovely sunshine for morning service, wonderful experience.

Felt relieved to find this sentence in book of practice.

That this practice is for ignorant beings and ignorance is essential for accomplishment.

 Any self conscious feeling I had up until then quickly diminished  

Breakfast usually follows lots of discussions about wide range of subjects.

David’s having his weekly blood test, it like a lottery and we all place our bets on numbers for results later in the week.

We joke a lot

Me:  I was so sorry when you were ill David, I followed you progress,

Dharmavidya:  Bet you’re glad I didn’t die before you eventually met me 

Me: Yes, David, I am but not for my selfish reasons…

Adam and I dig out weeds in preparation to lay patio slabs.

Cappuccino coffee break.

Elja getting news that her operation could be cancelled because of a bug.

We await for more news.

We talk about having a bonfire tonight but we are all tired and after another tasty dinner we forget and all go to our beds early.

Day 3

Early walk in the woods for me followed by morning service in shrine room.

During  breakfast. news arrives about the Belgium bombings.

David is concerned for a friend who would normally be working in bomb area.

She was at home this day.

We are all shocked and concerned about the news. I must admit these events fill me with fear. Feeling blessed we are safe in this far away place.

After breakfast Adam and I carry on with our slabbing technic for the shed base. I talk a lot but Adam doesn’t seem to mind. I tease him and we laugh a lot about silly things. Mostly Essex girls as I am one . Life is so simple and easy here.

David starts shredding I help him with that also and soon we have a big pile of mulch.

David has a dentist appointment in town. I carry on with shredding.

It’s an idyllic environment to be in .

So many different things happen daily.

David is so interesting and has such wonderful stories.

Eleusis is mesmerising and it will be difficult to leave.

After dinner we have bonfire for Goddess Eirene.

Full moon.

A beautiful sight.

As the fire roars we chant . Shanti shanti paen Eirene

Lovely evening . peace to everyone.

Day 4

Today we all went to the market locally .

We had a lot of fun , I bought some fruit for my journey tomorrow.

Adam and I practised our terrible French.

I, always interrupting him ha ha !!

Elja bought some herbs and some violets.

We were luckily invited to lunch at Oasis with Annette.

Very nice meal.

Adam was birdwatching - mostly woodpeckers.

More hospital news for Elja.

Looks like she will not be going away now after all and I'm sure in a way she is happy with that.

Annette mentioned that there could be a place at Oasis. That’s food for thought for me on my way back home to the south.

Back at Eluesis Elja and I chatted in the kitchen as she made a gorgeous vegetable pie.

I love to see her so happy . She made puff pastry from scratch. One could see from her face how delighted she was to do this and we were very happy to show our appreciation with the finished article.

I thoroughly enjoyed my stay , such a warm welcome.

Nearly forgot the haircuts, trim for David , few inches off for Elja.

Thankyou to my Amida family for the most wonderful experience

Namo Amida Bu